some ramblings about missing my baby...

Spending 8-9 hours of the day away from my little guy is hard.

When I try to assess my feelings about being a working mom, I always think back to the wonderful two months I had with my son before going back to work. I look back on that time, and I envy myself. Joah was really mine then. I could just sit and hold him and watch every little wiggle, treasure every little squeak, and answer every cry. He needed me so much, and it gave me so much joy to be there for him. But as much as it was wonderful, it was also hard. The days melted together as they were all exactly the same. We didn't get very many visitors, and it was almost impossible to find a good time to get out of the house. But those two months solidified something very strongly for me: this baby is my life now. Everything that I do will be for him.

The decision for me to return to work was not made without a lot of tears, prayer, worries and fears. He was so small and fragile, and I worried constantly about his well-being. I trusted James' ability completely, but I knew it would be hard on all of us nonetheless. I chose to go back to work first of all because we need income, and I'm happy to provide that for us. But I also decided to work because I like it! I enjoy what I do, and I also enjoy having things other than poopy diapers, crying baby and longing for adult interaction occupy my thoughts (although I can't say I haven't briefly pondered on poop while laying out a catalog spread).

The pressure that comes from the church to stay at home instead of work to support my family--as unreasonable as it is--is there. And it's been tough for me to overcome the sense that I am less of a mother to my son because I'm not with him 24 hours a day. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself how ridiculous that thought is, and other times I'm not.

Regardless, being a mother is pure joy! And I feel so lucky for the little blessings, like that I am able to go home and nurse Joah on lunch breaks nearly every day. And seeing how happy he is to see me when I come home is just incredible. Love this little guy.

oh, it's me

I've been feeling the need lately to record some thoughts and things, so I think I'll try to start up with the blog again (haha—I began my last post with similar words).

The past year has been such a roller coaster of change, and I feel like I didn't get to grasp and hold onto a lot of things the way I wish I could. I've learned so much about life and growing up from having a baby and working to support our little family. While I'm not really an avid writer, it seems like a worth-while use of my time to put some of those lessons in writing. (And some pics—who are we kidding). My life is very segmented at times, but I hope to be able to bring it all together in one place—maybe I'll feel like I'm all one person!

Oh and we've been uploading pics of our little Joah here:
joahanthonycruz.tumblr.com

life's going good

OK, I guess I'll start up with this blog thing again! Here's a little update:

Joah is growing way too fast for me! He'll be 4 months in a week, and I get a little teary-eyed when I look at pictures of his early days. What a sweet little gift he is!

1 month

3 months

We took two trips to Colorado so Joah could meet the fam. They all loved him (of course).

with Grandma Mona

Highlights:
When Uncle Steve rushed out of the house to meet the little guy after our long road trip, I handed him over and Joah had a leak. Steve looked shocked, "What is that?" We were trying out a new diaper brand, which we don't use anymore...poor Steve :)

Joah also met his only first cousin, Ammon. What a cute pair. Definitely love at first sight. Can you believe they're less than 7 months apart? Babies grow too fast.


We moved! When my little monkey was exactly 2 months old, we packed everything up and moved 7 blocks, with the help of my crazy awesome parents. We're now living in a basement apartment in a less fun neighborhood and paying half the rent for a larger space. Woohoo! It still looks like we just moved in...maybe I'll be brave and share some pictures sometime.

I went back to work a week later, and James is at home with Joah until he starts school at the end of August. My mother-in-law, Carmen stayed with us for a week to help with the baby while we got settled, which was amazing.

These days we just try to keep on some sort of schedule, hang out, and watch our little cutie grow. We went to the aquarium in Sandy last weekend, and Joah had fun looking at the fish and penguins. I tried to take more pictures, but the light was so bad. I'm pretty sure the building used to be a grocery store.

on the way to the aquarium

at the aquarium

and a nap afterward. That's a penguin on his onesie.

Work is good. I have a lot of projects to update my portfolio. I'll get around to it when it's important I guess. Right now that's kind of taking a back seat to watching my baby chomp on his hands and blow spit bubbles. He's so cute :)

AND, that's it I think. I'll try to post more often in the future!

Joah at 2 weeks

I'm behind!

Here's a little video of Joah waking up last week. He is so cute when we de-swaddle him. I always feel bad waking him up, but he has to eat! At his 2 week appointment, he still hadn't gained back his birth weight, which concerned the doctor a bit. We're going in to weigh him again tomorrow, and we'll see if our efforts to put some chunk on the little guy have worked.

The weird banging sound at the beginning is our washer...It's a little bit of an over-achiever when it comes to spinning.

Wake Up Joah! from Analisa estrada on Vimeo.

Expect more photos soon!

A Baby Joah!

We had a baby!

Joah Anthony Cruz

Thursday March 31, 2011

7 lbs 5 oz, 20 in

And he is absolutely perfect. He's lived with us for only a week now, and has completely changed our lives. I thought 'd use this occasion to stop staring at him and share some pics:

Still Here!

These past few weeks have gone by so fast!

The baby is due in 1 week and 3 days. I can't even believe it. I'm so anxious for the baby to come, I don't really know what to do with myself!

Our condo complex has a little terrace with gorgeous vines growing up the walls. I've been wanting to take some pictures down there before the baby comes. We had fun :)

Wooli Bottom

I saw these gorgeous books on iiiinspired awhile ago, and I've wanted to do some bookbinding ever since.

However, I feel a little bad lately using my free time on anything except baby things, so I made a little wool diaper cover instead! It turned out pretty cute.

I used a wool sweater from DI that I shrunk and felted in the washer. It used to be gray, but I accidently put it in with a blue and red blanket, and it turned purple! I love the purple though. James looks good in purple, so I'm sure Babyboy will too. It's super duper soft, and the felting makes it waterproof. I even tested it. I can't wait to pull it over his little bottom!

I sewed it by hand, so it took me a couple hours, but still a pretty quick little project.

Secret: I'm a little terrified of sewing machines. They move too fast and stress me out. Maybe someday I'll be brave and really show the machine who's boss, but for now hand sewing is OK.