Wednesday, March 7, 2012

some ramblings about missing my baby...

Spending 8-9 hours of the day away from my little guy is hard.

When I try to assess my feelings about being a working mom, I always think back to the wonderful two months I had with my son before going back to work. I look back on that time, and I envy myself. Joah was really mine then. I could just sit and hold him and watch every little wiggle, treasure every little squeak, and answer every cry. He needed me so much, and it gave me so much joy to be there for him. But as much as it was wonderful, it was also hard. The days melted together as they were all exactly the same. We didn't get very many visitors, and it was almost impossible to find a good time to get out of the house. But those two months solidified something very strongly for me: this baby is my life now. Everything that I do will be for him.

The decision for me to return to work was not made without a lot of tears, prayer, worries and fears. He was so small and fragile, and I worried constantly about his well-being. I trusted James' ability completely, but I knew it would be hard on all of us nonetheless. I chose to go back to work first of all because we need income, and I'm happy to provide that for us. But I also decided to work because I like it! I enjoy what I do, and I also enjoy having things other than poopy diapers, crying baby and longing for adult interaction occupy my thoughts (although I can't say I haven't briefly pondered on poop while laying out a catalog spread).

The pressure that comes from the church to stay at home instead of work to support my family--as unreasonable as it is--is there. And it's been tough for me to overcome the sense that I am less of a mother to my son because I'm not with him 24 hours a day. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself how ridiculous that thought is, and other times I'm not.

Regardless, being a mother is pure joy! And I feel so lucky for the little blessings, like that I am able to go home and nurse Joah on lunch breaks nearly every day. And seeing how happy he is to see me when I come home is just incredible. Love this little guy.


Rachel Overson said...

I love this, and you are doing an amazing job (I'm sure). I went back to school after Kara turned one, and will start student teaching and then working full time here pretty soon. I totally get the pressure from Church to stay at home. I love being a mom, and it kills me when I have to leave Kara while I am at school, but being a long-term SAHM just isn't right for me or my family. You are not alone!

Anonymous said...

There definitely is an overtone about being a stay-at-home mom, and of course you want more time with that adorable baby! But I'm feeling the opposite from you. Seyed's feeling like he needs a second job and I feel like I should go back to work so he doesn't have to work himself senseless.

analisa said...

It's crazy how feelings can change so much over time! I think I've been able to find joy in my mom/provider role over the past year since this post was written. I feel good about supporting our little family, and I think I'm a better person when I have a balance between home time and work time. I also really love my career, which is a huge help. I love the idea of husband and wife being able to share work and home responsibilities, so I hope you and Seyed are able to find a balance that is good for all of you!

PS. I checked out your blog, and I had no idea you were into bookbinding! Why didn't we ever chat about it at school? I love it so much. I haven't been able to do much since graduating, but I'm always itching to.