When I try to assess my feelings about being a working mom, I always think back to the wonderful two months I had with my son before going back to work. I look back on that time, and I envy myself. Joah was really mine then. I could just sit and hold him and watch every little wiggle, treasure every little squeak, and answer every cry. He needed me so much, and it gave me so much joy to be there for him. But as much as it was wonderful, it was also hard. The days melted together as they were all exactly the same. We didn't get very many visitors, and it was almost impossible to find a good time to get out of the house. But those two months solidified something very strongly for me: this baby is my life now. Everything that I do will be for him.
The decision for me to return to work was not made without a lot of tears, prayer, worries and fears. He was so small and fragile, and I worried constantly about his well-being. I trusted James' ability completely, but I knew it would be hard on all of us nonetheless. I chose to go back to work first of all because we need income, and I'm happy to provide that for us. But I also decided to work because I like it! I enjoy what I do, and I also enjoy having things other than poopy diapers, crying baby and longing for adult interaction occupy my thoughts (although I can't say I haven't briefly pondered on poop while laying out a catalog spread).
The pressure that comes from the church to stay at home instead of work to support my family--as unreasonable as it is--is there. And it's been tough for me to overcome the sense that I am less of a mother to my son because I'm not with him 24 hours a day. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself how ridiculous that thought is, and other times I'm not.
Regardless, being a mother is pure joy! And I feel so lucky for the little blessings, like that I am able to go home and nurse Joah on lunch breaks nearly every day. And seeing how happy he is to see me when I come home is just incredible. Love this little guy.
Posts
